-
TrystanKent Changed their profile cover
-
TrystanKent Changed their profile cover
-
TrystanKent Changed their profile cover
-
TrystanKent changed their profile picture
-
TrystanKent Changed their profile cover
-
PetLucy wrote a new post
3 Comments-
-
Thank you very much DK. I love the constructive feedback and I will definitely keep a lot of this in mind. I do tend to write in the present tense, kind of like a running fantasy which means I usually have to go back and try and fix the tenses and I know I usually miss some lol. I think this is the only story I’ve ever used you/me in and I’m not even sure why I did it that way lol. If I get around to editing it again, I will definitely fix that. Thank you again and I’m glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading it!
-
-
-
PetLucy wrote a new post
4 Comments-
Such a beautiful and erotic moment! Well penned. Great imagery.
“I’m grab an extra pillow and maneuver my body so that I’m lying back, facing you,” – This is like the fourth paragraph down, and you might correct it
-
Thank you for reading it and I’m glad you enjoyed it! I will try and fix that. Thank you for catching. I appreciate all the feedback.
-
-
-
PetLucy wrote a new post
4 Comments-
So, this is by far the most erotic story of yours that I’ve read. Isn’t that interesting, since there is no actual sex – just the allusion to it. Your maturity as a writer shines through by just the way you left this…anticipation. It’s a tease, and it’s fab. It’s perfect … except, it would be so much more powerful in first person narrative.
Unlike your bar story, it was pretty obvious from the beginning this would not be her husband. I like that too. If you could think of a twist, that would be something.
-
-
PetLucy changed their profile picture
-
SouthernLover and
DampKitten are now friends
-
Mark and
DampKitten are now friends
-
Edgar Eden and
DampKitten are now friends
-
-
SouthernLover and
Eroterite are now friends
-
Sam Nash and
Steve Austin are now friends
-
Amy F. Turner and
Sam Nash are now friends
-
Amy F. Turner wrote a new post
4 Comments-
it most certainly will…
You know you can add multiple categories to this post…for example: Poetry, BDSM, Romance…
-
-
Amy F. Turner changed their profile picture
-
Lola Down wrote a new post
-
Mark joined the group
Welcome to Eroterite
- Load More Posts
Media
Photos
Videos
Audios
Files
Friends
Groups
Welcome to Eroterite
Public Group
Recent posts
Location
Mississippi









P.L.
This is fantastic. You had me all the way through this. Beautiful surprise ending and oh so erotic! I love the second person narrative once you get to the bar. It’s very engaging.
For a more formal approach, you might shelf the YOU:ME: stuff in front of your dialogue and just blend in the discussion as you would in any short story or novel. This isn’t actually a script, so you don’t need that kind of delineation. I noticed you were using present tense frequently in your piece. That’s difficult to hold throughout a story, so your verb tense bounces around. I’d change the whole thing to past tense. It’s easier, and you don’t have to think about it as you write. Just a few thoughts, but this is magnificent. A really entertaining story with a nice twist.