![Profile picture of DampKitten]()
DampKitten and
![Profile picture of PetLucy]()
PetLucy are now friends![Profile Photo]()
![Profile picture of PetLucy]()
PetLucy wrote a new post
![]()
Read MoreThis has been a week from hell. My husband and I had been fighting the last few days over the stupidest things. I knew this was partially, okay, mostly my fault. I had been taking out my frustrations on...
![Profile picture of PetLucy]()
Thank you very much DK. I love the constructive feedback and I will definitely keep a lot of this in mind. I do tend to write in the present tense, kind of like a running fantasy which means I usually have to go back and try and fix the tenses and I know I usually miss some lol. I think this is the only story I’ve ever used you/me in and I’m not even sure why I did it that way lol. If I get around to editing it again, I will definitely fix that. Thank you again and I’m glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading it!
![Profile picture of DampKitten]()
You bet
![Profile picture of PetLucy]()
PetLucy wrote a new post
![]()
Read MoreI walk in the bedroom to find you lying naked on the bed, masturbating. You know I have voyeuristic tendencies so I’m sure it was no accident that I caught you. I stand there in the doorway, watching you,...
![Profile picture of DampKitten]()
Such a beautiful and erotic moment! Well penned. Great imagery.
“I’m grab an extra pillow and maneuver my body so that I’m lying back, facing you,” – This is like the fourth paragraph down, and you might correct it
![Profile picture of PetLucy]()
Thank you for reading it and I’m glad you enjoyed it! I will try and fix that. Thank you for catching. I appreciate all the feedback.
![Profile picture of PetLucy]()
PetLucy wrote a new post
![]()
Read MoreShe looks at the digital clock on the nightstand next to the hotel bed. 6pm. She has one hour to go before he is scheduled to arrive. She unzips her suitcase, grabs her toiletries bag and heads into the...
![Profile picture of DampKitten]()
So, this is by far the most erotic story of yours that I’ve read. Isn’t that interesting, since there is no actual sex – just the allusion to it. Your maturity as a writer shines through by just the way you left this…anticipation. It’s a tease, and it’s fab. It’s perfect … except, it would be so much more powerful in first person narrative.
Unlike your bar story, it was pretty obvious from the beginning this would not be her husband. I like that too. If you could think of a twist, that would be something.
![Profile picture of PetLucy]()
Thank you! And I’m glad I am not the only one who thinks erotica means there has to be sex in it for the story to be erotic. One of the few stories that I’ve written that wasn’t in the first person narrative lol. I look forward to seeing your comments as I continue to post here.
![Profile picture of DampKitten]()
The context of erotica is so much more important than the sex you describe. You already know that..
![Profile picture of PetLucy]()
PetLucy changed their profile picture
![]()
P.L.
This is fantastic. You had me all the way through this. Beautiful surprise ending and oh so erotic! I love the second person narrative once you get to the bar. It’s very engaging.
For a more formal approach, you might shelf the YOU:ME: stuff in front of your dialogue and just blend in the discussion as you would in any short story or novel. This isn’t actually a script, so you don’t need that kind of delineation. I noticed you were using present tense frequently in your piece. That’s difficult to hold throughout a story, so your verb tense bounces around. I’d change the whole thing to past tense. It’s easier, and you don’t have to think about it as you write. Just a few thoughts, but this is magnificent. A really entertaining story with a nice twist.